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January 11, 2012

Burial Ground (1981)

Filed under: Uncategorized — halthfra @ 1:25 pm

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this review comes from a good friend Metta W.Peace-Mayowski (Aka skeebs). This week skeebs taps into another classic horror title Burial Ground. Can this movie be as bad as manos? Doubtful, but you’ll have to be the judge of that. Thanks Skeebs. Hopefully well see more horror reviews come from you in the future. Enjoy.

-Bryan

Burial Ground Review

God, that feels kind of like a straw man, doesn’t it?

I recently returned back to the Allegheny mountains, the place where Baryonyx was born and bred, for Christmas. Yeah, I saw my family- mom and dad are well, thank you for asking- and my sisters are an important part of that group. I get the feeling they like each other more than they like me, and that’s not an issue, because girls will be girls and boys will watch Italian Cannibal flicks and swear, but my sister Vicki remarked to me at one point “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from you, it’s that I should never watch Italian movies.”

Well, I’d take something like “hard work will take you far!” or “always chew your food!” but I guess that’s as good as a legacy as anything for Baryonyx. And I’m here today for a lot of reasons, but never fear- mostly, I’m here to tell you about a shitty Italian Horror movie, this one called Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror, which is sometimes considered the worst zombie movie ever (personally, I think Umberto Lenzi should get the nod here with Nightmare City, but in the end both are nearly unwatchable). Early on, it makes a strong case for its shittiness, and it carries a relentless pace toward a diarrheaic conclusion, much like my cat when he gets the trots. This, my friends, is not a film to be taken lightly or without a strong supply of toilet paper. My mother sometimes reads this blog.

I don’t really want to, but I guess you’re all going to want me to get toward the plot.

Sort of makes you want to go to the concession stand, doesn’t it?

Burial Ground kicks off with a bang, if by “bang” you mean a professor reading a document in an Etruscan tomb and shouting “It must be true!” The Etruscans were the pre-Roman Italian power, and were said to possess an obsession of death, so you could call the film intelligent if this wasn’t pretty much something Italians were expected to know. Actually, that’s kind of interesting in itself- Europeans know who came before them, but we don’t place an emphasis on it in American culture (though I’ll inform you my birth town is the site of one of the oldest known burial mounds in the United States). I’m stalling again.

Anyway, that would make these zombies (which quickly appear and bite the professor in the neck) at least 2500 years old, which means their decay is going to be pretty sizable at this point. And, indeed, the zombies are very decayed looking in Burial Ground, particularly if your view on decay is “your head becomes covered in papier mache.” Yet the zombies appear to have teeth, because they eat the shit out of the professor and then we cut away to a more pleasant scene.

Pictured: “IT MUST BE TRUE!”

So a group of three couples arrives in a mansion we can assume is outside Florence and settles in, sure that they’ll be met soon by the professor (of course, we know he lacks a neck at this time), and wouldn’t you know it, they have a kid with them, who hands down is the creepiest looking young man I think I’ve ever seen, and I went to Catholic school. The kid turns out to be important later, but not as a plot device. This movie is made by Italians, and to new readers, that means that our emphasis on the plot isn’t as important as, say, thinking of spooky things. OOH LOOK A SPIDER

So the couples settle in, with one (very attractive) woman finding some kinky clothes in an attic somewhere and then having sex with her man, who is disproportionately unattractive to her, looking sort of like an Italian Apollo Creed. And the kid walks in. The lady, covered by a blanket, gets out of bed (uncovering herself) and picks up a flimsy piece of clothing and shouts for Michael (only name I remember!) to get out. I guess that’s our cue, too, because next thing we know some of the couples are firing guns inside the house (?) and doing a photoshoot in some fields. Luckily, the film doesn’t want us to have plot development any more than I want it to, because zombies attack and that’ll be the movie from here on out.

Creepy kid, right?

Now, when you make a zombie picture, you always have some restraints, unless you’re an Italian, in which case, fuck it. So some of these zombies use tools (memorably, throwing knives [?] and a scythe) and some climb pillars, and some even understand the function of a fricking circular saw. The director doesn’t give a damn, so I won’t either. I’ll even spare you most of the rest of the happenings and focus on two important parts.

First: at one point, the currently-surviving characters see a monk and run into a monastery for help. Now, I’ve only met one monk in my entire life, and all I really remember of our encounters was that I had to kick him out of the milk freezer at work (true story), but these characters beg for help and then realize these monks aren’t monks at all… they’re zombies. Why? Does this have any relation to the other zombies? I don’t know, and I’ve seen the movie, which pretty much means you won’t know, either. Anyway, they eat the dude.

The only other part of interest (lol pinterest) is that our friend Michael at one point thinks “fuck this zombie shit, I’m gonna go Oedipal on this movie) and tries to hook up with his mom. His mom, getting some from a boyfriend, turns him down. Michael remembers this when he turns zombie on her ass, though, as the mom invites him to breastfeed (?!?) and, I shit you not, Michael bites her breast off in what I can only assume is the reason this film was made.

Honestly, there’s nothing else to say. This movie is shit, but I got it in a three pack from Shriek Show, our beloved friends who dole out only the shittiest in Italian horror. The other two were “Flesh Eater” (filmed by a man who grew up in the next town over from me, and damn good) and “Zombie Holocaust” (shitty). Anyway, I find it weird that she has a wedding ring on in that picture, since I assumed that man was her boyfriend.

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December 15, 2011

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Filed under: Uncategorized — halthfra @ 7:35 pm

Christ…Where do I begin with this. Well I suppose you should know a little about the plot behind this monstrosity of a film. Manos: Hands of Fate is about a family: Michael (the husband), Margret (the wife) and Debbie (the daughter) heading out on a little family vacation when they accidentally (ugh you’ll see) stumble upon some farmhouse ranch where they inexplicably uncover some sort of cult worship lead by “The Master” and his servant Torgo.
Before I begin I just want to say this film is BAD. Not even in the “haha! this shit is funny!” bad, but just plain fucking awful. There really is no acting whatsoever and it appears that they used a toaster to film this movie because I’ve never seen something look so terrible. Anyways here goes…

The movie starts out with the family talking about their family trip and how they are running late.

"Mommy, are we going to Disneyland?" "Fuck no, were going somewhere in the middle of the goddamn desert "

The beginning of the movie is pretty infamous for having a 7 minute driving scene that offers nothing to the movie at all. Apparently it was supposed to be used for the opening credits to be revealed, but apparently that was scraped for who knows why. So instead you are stuck listening to some shitty music and this… Oh and two teenagers making out in a car only to be shooed off by the cops (I’ll get back to that later)

ugh just fast forward all of this please

So after this goes on for awhile (and I mean AWHILE) the family finally stops at some creepy farmhouse because they got lost. The father assures the family that everything will be alright and shit. The family is greeted at the door by Torgo, who tells the fucking stupid family that he is the caretaker.

"I am the caretaker and here is my caretaking stick."

Now the next part kind of blows my mind. Torgo goes on to talk about how his master is some sort of supernatural deity and that he pretty much worships him. At which point  Michael decides that this is a fine enough establishment to stay the night with his family even know Torgo repeatedly tells them that his master would not allow it.

"Well that checks out to me...Honey grab our bags were staying."

Also, if you notice in that picture how fucked up Torgo’s legs are, it’s because hes wearing some prosthetics that make his legs look like that. Apparently the real actor, John Reynolds, suffered incredibly from wearing these that afterwards he became addicted to painkillers and died from them. Whoa.

So the family enters the house and Torgo goes off to put their bags in the room where they are staying. This gives mom and pops plenty of time to see how fucking weird the house is.

Literally, this red flag worthy shit is all over the house.

A painting of a weird robed man and his dog catches their eyes.

"Oh honey look, it's that master fellow who Torgo specifically told us that we are unwelcomed. Oh and look at his cute little minion."

So the wife bitches for like 10 minutes how uneasy everything is making her feel. So then the little girl’s stupid dog runs out the front door to chase after some bump in the night sound.

"Oh where ever can she be!?" "Don't worry, get back inside while I wonder around in the night following those strange noises"

If you’re thinking that the above picture is a little too fucking corny for it’s own good, you are right. But that’s pretty much exactly how it happened.

So the dad goes into his glove compartment to grab his (probably unlicensed) pistol. On his way back to his house he discovers his daughters dead dog.

"Torgo! Heat up the stove, I found us dinner."

Well this is where the story really starts to pick up (Ugh..). So the family all sits on the couch grieving and bitching about the dog, when finally they get the brilliant idea to leave the place. While the husband is trying to start the car that (as you guessed it) wont start, Torgo is in the bedroom attempting rape Mike’s wife in what was probably the creepiest fucking scene I’ve ever seen. Don’t believe me? Just look at these stills…

What happens next is just weird. She literally yells “Get your hands off me”; he then apologizes and that’s that. I really do believe that there must have been more to this but they decided to say fuck it and move along with the story.

Everyone then returns to the living room to find that the little girl has wondered off on her own. Honestly, who didn’t see this shit happen. They do find the girl shortly after, walking with the same beast from the painting. She tells her parents she found the dog in a “big room”.

The next scene shows Torgo in the “big room” which is some sort of catacomb looking place with a bunch of women in dresses (who are revealed to be the wives of the master).

Yes, you guessed right...Torgo inappropriately gropes atleast 3 of them.

Here we also see the master lying down on an altar of some sort.

I really can't remember, but I'm sure Torgo touches him too.

This is where the movie goes into overdrive retardedness. Torgo starts to cry about wanting his own wife and yada yada claiming the new girl (Margret) to himself. He then goes out and fucking knocks out mike for whatever reason.

I really wish you could see how soft this blow was.

So, next we see those twenty-something year old’s making out again for no reason at all.

"Aren't we a little too old for this kind of shit?"

I’m not going to waste your time for the next 20 minutes of this “movie”. So I’ll post bulletins to get the point across.

  • Cops bust teens
  • Search around (in the most ridiculous search attempt ever) to find missing family
  • Decide “fuck it” and take off
  • Flash forward to the catacomb where the wives literally argue for 10 minutes on whether or not to sacrifice the kid
  • More bullshit happens
  • Manos goes after Torgo (see below)

So were nearing the end of the movie (finally for christs sake) and Torgo is now going to be sacrificed at the altar. The master tells his wives to kill Torgo and what happens next is truly bizarre. Instead of killing him with a knife or another stabbing weapon (which would make fucking sense) they attempt to slap him to death or something.

This brings in a whole new meaning to "bitch slap"

But Torgo doesn’t die. This makes the previous scene really irrelevant. Why were the women sitting there for over 2 minutes slapping and scratching him? Well I imagine…uhh I really don’t know. What happens next is really funny. Let me just show you the pictures and you’ll get the idea.

Yes, you saw correctly. The master burns off Torgo’s hand, which prompts Torgo to flee the scene alive. Now I read somewhere that they kept Torgo alive so that they could make a sequel (like that was ever going to fucking happen).

After this happens, the master and his dog go off looking for the family, who are all waiting in the house. In a very anti-climatic fashion, Mike is waiting for the master and shoots him dead.

I really was hoping for a little flag to pop out and say "bang".

Then they show the master, who looks as if the bullet magically didn’t hit him?

So the scene fades to black and cue the nice sappy ending music. Were shown a car driving, which we are lead to believe is the family’s car. But wait! It is not the family, but what I suspect as 2 lesbians trying to vacation as well.

"Oh Debrah, I do believe we are lost."

Now what happens next is the worst twist in any movie I have ever seen. The ending of this film would send M. Night Shyamalan running off shitting in his own pants. The girls are lost and go seeking help at the nearest house they find…

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Mike is now the new “Torgo” caretaker talking about the master and other bullshit.

Which means…

Yes, the master is still very alive.

And…

                 

Has two new wives (whom you might recognize from earlier…)

Then the credits roll and the movie is over.

Verdict:

Now I have seen many terrible movies in my life. Some ranging from “Hysterically terrible but I have to watch and make fun of it” to “Someone else might enjoy this but I sure as shit don’t”. This movie was on a whole different level. It wasn’t funny. Terrible production. Extremely inconsistent and had way too many plot holes. Honestly, this is the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I can’t believe I sat through this shit. Please, I beg you, do not ever watch this film. You don’t touch the hot stove because it will burn you right? Well you don’t watch this film because it will scar you. Absolutely atrocious.

Score: Fucking nothing out of 10

 

 

 
Next on Tap: Sidekicks – Barry is an asthmatic kid having trouble in life. He lives with his father, a computer programmer, in Texas. Barry is struggling to get by in life, dealing with his rough school life, bullies, as well as his health. Barry’s only source of enjoyment is fantasizing that he is with Chuck Norris. Barry becomes sick of getting picked on by the bigger guys, and decides to learn karate, in hopes of one day meeting the great Chuck Norris.

Thanks for reading!

-Bryan

November 19, 2011

Rookie of the Year (1993)

Filed under: Movie Review - Comedy, Uncategorized — Tags: , , — halthfra @ 10:25 pm

Ok, I’m going to start this thing off right. And by right, I mean by reviewing/commenting on one of my all time favorite films Rookie of the Year. I’m sure most of you are familiar with this childhood gem and if you’re not then you can jump out of an airplane and forget your parachute (oh and land on a pitchfork or something). Anyways, ROTY is about a kid named Henry Roengartner played by Thomas Ian Nicholas (who you might recognize as Kevin from American Pie). Henry is a normal kid who loves baseball but can’t play for shit, until one day a tragic accident leads to a godly riffle of a throwing arm. Soon he is discovered by the Chicago Cubs and goes on to change the face of baseball forever, also leading him to have sex with so many women that even Wilt the Stilt was impressed (Ok I made up that last part but it probably happened).

The movie starts off at Wrigley field where the Cubs are taking on the Giants of San Francisco in the opening game of the season. In the background is the music that inspires hope to the viewer. A score that even John Williams couldn’t imagine composing. Unfortunately for the cubs, they are the shit hole of the league. John Candy, who plays the ever so funny and entertaining announcer  informs the listeners that the Cubs haven’t won a pennant since 1908 (uh oh foreshadowing?) The first pitch, ironically, is a home run. As the ball is about to go over the fence the scene cuts to our hero-to-be Henry, catching a ball pretending to rob a home run. It is there that we are introduced to his 2 best friends Clark and George (who is too fat for his own good.) The boys are on their way to Henry’s little league game. Henry gets put in right field and makes the worst throw in the history of baseball.

"What the fuck was I thinking"

On top of all this humiliation and bullshit, his mother makes him do the fucking laundry when he gets home (what a bitch) while she goes on a date with Jack Bradfield (Henry’s moms douchebag boyfriend). The next day in school Henry drools over his grade school crush and yada yada Henry wants to tap that and so on.

"Carrie Harold told me that Becky Fraker doesn't think you're very ugly." Well fuck you too

Anyways, after lunch Henry tragically trips over a baseball while valiantly pursuing a fly ball in an effort to make up for his abysmal performance yesterday on the baseball field. Henry breaks his arm and spends the next 6 or so months recovering.

I hope Becky Fraker didn't see this shit

Henry first finds out about his miracle of an arm when he almost rips the face off of his doctor after his cast is removed. Probably the greatest line ever produced in American filmography ensues.

"Funky Buttlovin'"!

Afterwards the boys are gifted Cubs tickets by Henry’s mom. They go and cheer on their favorite baseball player, Gary Buse…err I mean Chet Steadman. The rocket gives up a home run which ends up in Henry’s hands. Henry is encouraged to throw the ball back in typical fashion, but amazes every one when he throws a fucking bullet back to the catcher nearly killing the man.

Eat your heart out Nolan Ryan

Panic ensues and Henry is heckled out of the ball park by 3 yinzer wannabees. Henry is eventually contacted by the cubs and is asked to join their team. And why the hell not? They can’t get any shittier anyways so who cares lets give it a shot. Of course no one on the team believes in Henry (and why should they? They don’t have a clue as to why some dumb fucking kid is in their locker room) and everyone gives the poor kid a hard time. Then enters one of the greatest movie characters ever; Brickma. Director/Actor Daniel Stern delivers an oscar worthy performance as the loveable goofball pitching coach who acts as Henry’s teacher/motivator.

"Hot-ice. You heat up the ice cubes! It's the best of both worlds!"

It takes all the effort in the world from Henry to refrain from calling Brickma his father. Without even practicing once, Henry suites up and takes the field as a relief pitcher. After Chet Steadman throw some granny balls that end up 500 feet into the stands the crowd calls for Henry to be put in. Henry comes into the game and despite playing terribly and giving up a home run against the ultimate antagonist in the making, Heddo, to go on and win the game.

"This one's for mommy...MOMMMMMY!"

Meanwhile Jack Bradfield assumes his role as Henry’s manager. We see his inner dark side begin to reveal when he and Mr. Fischer (son of the owner of the team) begin an alliance that can only be exceeded by the likes of Hitler and Stalin.

"You tryna get high son?" "Then smoke this shit"

Henry goes on to make more starts and still finds himself struggling. Chet Steadman finally realizes that he has been a huge dick to Henry and gives him some pointers and treats him like a fellow teammate. Also, he’s close to banging Henry’s mom.

"Hi I'm Chet, is it weird that I shower with your little boy?"

More awesome shit happens for the next 20 minutes or so. Henry gets his first chance to bat and scores his first run as a major. Chet gets even closer to Henry’s mom and a (rightfully so) pissed off Jack Bradfield watches on. After a conversation with Mr. Fischer he decides “Fuck it, I’m trading Henry to the Yankees”. This all goes on of course without Henry or his mom’s consent.

"Why don't we go back to my place and I'll show you why they call me the rocket"

Henry, now a superstar, has to ditch his friends because he is in a rediculous diet pepsi commercial. Fatty mcfat fat  and creepy clark get in a brawl with Henry, which is fucking stupid. Did they not see what he did to that doctor?

The next scene is a rained out cubs stadium and Henry is seen playing tetris on his gameboy all pissed off and shit. Probably because he got sat on by George. Chet gets news that Mr. Fischer is going to sit him for the rest of the season and then ultimately releasing him. Henry’s mom punches the shit out of Bradfield because he was yelling at Henry and shit. Henry’s darkest days are now behind him as he reunites his friendship with George and Clark. The 3 take their boat out on the water where they pick up each of their respectable hoes.

"Lol, so how much are you making this season?"

Henry, probably still super elated about getting his first HJ tells the franchise that he won’t be back for the next season. This all comes after a very successful season where the Cubs have made it to the pennant. Mr. Fischer deserving gets sent to sell hot dogs in the nosebleeds by his father, the owner of the team after he finds out that he tried to trade Henry to the fucking Yankees. Chet Steadman gets the call to start against their arch-rivals, the New York Mets. Chet puts in a solid 8 innings and Henry is left to finish the game. But wait! Henry trips on another fucking baseball which reverts his arm back to his regular self.

"Oh fuck!, I should really start to look where I'm going."

Henry appears to be ok when he gets up, but he lost his fastball. Oh no! What to do? Replace Henry with a capable relief pitcher? Nah, fuck it. He’ll figure something out. The first batter Henry walks. Boasting an IQ of 160, Henry tricks the runner by fooling him with the hidden ball trick.

gotcha bitch

The next batter is walked as well. This time, unable to use the hidden ball trick again Henry takes the matters into his own hands. He somehow manages to get the runner to race him to second base by calling him a chicken. He does this by pretending to throw the ball up into the air.

wait, this actually fucking worked?

So 2 batters down. 1 to go. Who’s up next you ask? You guessed correctly, its Heddo.

"You remember me kid!?"

Henry totally mindfucks Hedo by throwing a change up to make the count 0-1. Feeling like hes the fucking man, Henry tosses another 30 mph pitch down the plate where Hedo almost launches it into orbit. Lucky for Henry it was foul.

"BALL BALL!"

Only 1 pitch away from the world series! But how am I going to strike out this fucking giant? Cue the slow sad music where Henry finds out that his mom played baseball before. Somehow shes easily able to communicate to Henry telling him to throw a floater pitch. Henry does so and Hedo strikes out and presumably goes to the locker room and kills himself.

The final scene of the movie shows Henry playing little league again, and instead of fucking up again robs a home run to win the game. Chet (Henry’s new coach) is there and helps hoist Henry up along with the rest of the team to celebrate the catch and the win. Henry, then shows off his World Series ring to the crowd as the movie ends.

"All this and I still haven't even hit puberty yet!"

So there you have it folks. If you haven’t seen this movie yet go do so immediately. It is a really fucking funny and good film. Perfect to make a drinking game to as well. Not much more to say really. I will hopefully have another review up sometime this week as well. Not sure which film yet so stay tuned.

Rookie of the Year – 10/10

-bryan


Plans for this blog/wtf are you doing bryan

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — halthfra @ 8:50 pm

Hello there ladies and gentlemen,

I suppose I should let you know why this blog was created. Well, I have had the idea of creating a movie review blog for quite some time now. I haven’t really had the time to do it so it never happened, until now. Since I’m unemployed and sit on my ass all day anyways I figured this would be a good time to start it. I asked Dean to help author it with me because we pretty much have the same humor and taste in movies. I plan on reviewing all types of movies such as new releases, old favorites of mine and shitty terrible movies that never should have been made in the first place (I’m talking about you city of angels…seriously fuck that movie to hell). I don’t foresee any sort of pattern to the posts, since it will be whatever I feel like writing about at the time. So if you do find yourself enjoying them I will also take requests to review movies. Dean and I are really excited about this, so I hope you enjoy. Thanks.

bryan

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