Let's all go to the lobby

December 15, 2011

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Filed under: Uncategorized — halthfra @ 7:35 pm

Christ…Where do I begin with this. Well I suppose you should know a little about the plot behind this monstrosity of a film. Manos: Hands of Fate is about a family: Michael (the husband), Margret (the wife) and Debbie (the daughter) heading out on a little family vacation when they accidentally (ugh you’ll see) stumble upon some farmhouse ranch where they inexplicably uncover some sort of cult worship lead by “The Master” and his servant Torgo.
Before I begin I just want to say this film is BAD. Not even in the “haha! this shit is funny!” bad, but just plain fucking awful. There really is no acting whatsoever and it appears that they used a toaster to film this movie because I’ve never seen something look so terrible. Anyways here goes…

The movie starts out with the family talking about their family trip and how they are running late.

"Mommy, are we going to Disneyland?" "Fuck no, were going somewhere in the middle of the goddamn desert "

The beginning of the movie is pretty infamous for having a 7 minute driving scene that offers nothing to the movie at all. Apparently it was supposed to be used for the opening credits to be revealed, but apparently that was scraped for who knows why. So instead you are stuck listening to some shitty music and this… Oh and two teenagers making out in a car only to be shooed off by the cops (I’ll get back to that later)

ugh just fast forward all of this please

So after this goes on for awhile (and I mean AWHILE) the family finally stops at some creepy farmhouse because they got lost. The father assures the family that everything will be alright and shit. The family is greeted at the door by Torgo, who tells the fucking stupid family that he is the caretaker.

"I am the caretaker and here is my caretaking stick."

Now the next part kind of blows my mind. Torgo goes on to talk about how his master is some sort of supernatural deity and that he pretty much worships him. At which point  Michael decides that this is a fine enough establishment to stay the night with his family even know Torgo repeatedly tells them that his master would not allow it.

"Well that checks out to me...Honey grab our bags were staying."

Also, if you notice in that picture how fucked up Torgo’s legs are, it’s because hes wearing some prosthetics that make his legs look like that. Apparently the real actor, John Reynolds, suffered incredibly from wearing these that afterwards he became addicted to painkillers and died from them. Whoa.

So the family enters the house and Torgo goes off to put their bags in the room where they are staying. This gives mom and pops plenty of time to see how fucking weird the house is.

Literally, this red flag worthy shit is all over the house.

A painting of a weird robed man and his dog catches their eyes.

"Oh honey look, it's that master fellow who Torgo specifically told us that we are unwelcomed. Oh and look at his cute little minion."

So the wife bitches for like 10 minutes how uneasy everything is making her feel. So then the little girl’s stupid dog runs out the front door to chase after some bump in the night sound.

"Oh where ever can she be!?" "Don't worry, get back inside while I wonder around in the night following those strange noises"

If you’re thinking that the above picture is a little too fucking corny for it’s own good, you are right. But that’s pretty much exactly how it happened.

So the dad goes into his glove compartment to grab his (probably unlicensed) pistol. On his way back to his house he discovers his daughters dead dog.

"Torgo! Heat up the stove, I found us dinner."

Well this is where the story really starts to pick up (Ugh..). So the family all sits on the couch grieving and bitching about the dog, when finally they get the brilliant idea to leave the place. While the husband is trying to start the car that (as you guessed it) wont start, Torgo is in the bedroom attempting rape Mike’s wife in what was probably the creepiest fucking scene I’ve ever seen. Don’t believe me? Just look at these stills…

What happens next is just weird. She literally yells “Get your hands off me”; he then apologizes and that’s that. I really do believe that there must have been more to this but they decided to say fuck it and move along with the story.

Everyone then returns to the living room to find that the little girl has wondered off on her own. Honestly, who didn’t see this shit happen. They do find the girl shortly after, walking with the same beast from the painting. She tells her parents she found the dog in a “big room”.

The next scene shows Torgo in the “big room” which is some sort of catacomb looking place with a bunch of women in dresses (who are revealed to be the wives of the master).

Yes, you guessed right...Torgo inappropriately gropes atleast 3 of them.

Here we also see the master lying down on an altar of some sort.

I really can't remember, but I'm sure Torgo touches him too.

This is where the movie goes into overdrive retardedness. Torgo starts to cry about wanting his own wife and yada yada claiming the new girl (Margret) to himself. He then goes out and fucking knocks out mike for whatever reason.

I really wish you could see how soft this blow was.

So, next we see those twenty-something year old’s making out again for no reason at all.

"Aren't we a little too old for this kind of shit?"

I’m not going to waste your time for the next 20 minutes of this “movie”. So I’ll post bulletins to get the point across.

  • Cops bust teens
  • Search around (in the most ridiculous search attempt ever) to find missing family
  • Decide “fuck it” and take off
  • Flash forward to the catacomb where the wives literally argue for 10 minutes on whether or not to sacrifice the kid
  • More bullshit happens
  • Manos goes after Torgo (see below)

So were nearing the end of the movie (finally for christs sake) and Torgo is now going to be sacrificed at the altar. The master tells his wives to kill Torgo and what happens next is truly bizarre. Instead of killing him with a knife or another stabbing weapon (which would make fucking sense) they attempt to slap him to death or something.

This brings in a whole new meaning to "bitch slap"

But Torgo doesn’t die. This makes the previous scene really irrelevant. Why were the women sitting there for over 2 minutes slapping and scratching him? Well I imagine…uhh I really don’t know. What happens next is really funny. Let me just show you the pictures and you’ll get the idea.

Yes, you saw correctly. The master burns off Torgo’s hand, which prompts Torgo to flee the scene alive. Now I read somewhere that they kept Torgo alive so that they could make a sequel (like that was ever going to fucking happen).

After this happens, the master and his dog go off looking for the family, who are all waiting in the house. In a very anti-climatic fashion, Mike is waiting for the master and shoots him dead.

I really was hoping for a little flag to pop out and say "bang".

Then they show the master, who looks as if the bullet magically didn’t hit him?

So the scene fades to black and cue the nice sappy ending music. Were shown a car driving, which we are lead to believe is the family’s car. But wait! It is not the family, but what I suspect as 2 lesbians trying to vacation as well.

"Oh Debrah, I do believe we are lost."

Now what happens next is the worst twist in any movie I have ever seen. The ending of this film would send M. Night Shyamalan running off shitting in his own pants. The girls are lost and go seeking help at the nearest house they find…

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Mike is now the new “Torgo” caretaker talking about the master and other bullshit.

Which means…

Yes, the master is still very alive.

And…

                 

Has two new wives (whom you might recognize from earlier…)

Then the credits roll and the movie is over.

Verdict:

Now I have seen many terrible movies in my life. Some ranging from “Hysterically terrible but I have to watch and make fun of it” to “Someone else might enjoy this but I sure as shit don’t”. This movie was on a whole different level. It wasn’t funny. Terrible production. Extremely inconsistent and had way too many plot holes. Honestly, this is the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I can’t believe I sat through this shit. Please, I beg you, do not ever watch this film. You don’t touch the hot stove because it will burn you right? Well you don’t watch this film because it will scar you. Absolutely atrocious.

Score: Fucking nothing out of 10

 

 

 
Next on Tap: Sidekicks – Barry is an asthmatic kid having trouble in life. He lives with his father, a computer programmer, in Texas. Barry is struggling to get by in life, dealing with his rough school life, bullies, as well as his health. Barry’s only source of enjoyment is fantasizing that he is with Chuck Norris. Barry becomes sick of getting picked on by the bigger guys, and decides to learn karate, in hopes of one day meeting the great Chuck Norris.

Thanks for reading!

-Bryan

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